Apparently, I have issues.


Hmph, I can’t shock anyone with that news.  Either I’m a bad secret keeper, or you are very intuitive.

Well, how about this.  Next week I meet with my brand-spankin-new mental heath practitioner.  Yup, the crazy lady finally gets a psychiatrist.  I got a referral from my GP in January (I wasn’t dealing with stuff too well then) and, being that we have supercalifragilisticexpialidotious health care here in Canada I waited until the end of June to see someone in that department to do an evaluation on my brain.

After an hour of some pretty basic questions, me being brutally honest about the relationship between me & my mother and the fiasco that was my first marriage, she told me that it was not a surprise that I had a problem dealing with things because I was an, and I quote, “textbook case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”.  hmmmm, you mean that thing that soldiers get?  I’m not a soldier. You must have me confused with someone else.

Well, lets look at the symptoms, taken from the resource page at the wonderful Band Back Together.


PTSD sufferers re-experience the stressful or traumatic event in some way (nightmares, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks), tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event (avoidance), and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences (hyper-arousal, which may show up as being easily startled, emotional outbursts, and/or tension).  PTSD can negatively impact everyday functioning in work and at home, as it often disrupts the normal course of a person’s day and makes it difficult to sleep, eat, or focus on a task.

Hmmmm, nightmares? Check.  Flashbacks? Check.  Avoidance?  I’m pretty sure my son has only had one item of clothing that was camouflage, and I did NOT buy it for him.  Check.  Emotional outbursts? Check!  Tension?  DOUBLE check!  Difficulty sleeping? Boy-Howdy! Checkerooni big fella!

As far as normal life experiences go, do you have any idea how fucking unsettling it is to find out time and time again that what you have experienced is not by any means normal?  I found out a few years ago that having a headache Every. Single. Day. is not normal.  Now I find out that my little “episodes” are actually panic attacks.  Fucking labels.  I’ve read about these, given virtual hugs to other bloggers who have reached out and not judged anyone.

So why am I judging myself?

So now I have that appointment next week to find out about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  You know, like on those TV shows about the people with OCD.  It works for them, they’re sick.  But I’m judging myself again for being “weak”.